Simplicity......

"Life is but a dream to me/I dont wanna wake up/30 odd years without having my cake up...."

-Jay-Z "Beach Chair"

Strangely, this hit home as I sat here this morning. Took out the trash and stopped for a moment to let nature itself engulf me. Im realizing that I may have written a check that I dont have any forthcoming idea how to cash. I made the statement that I wanted to have a house, a home, my own, by the time I was 30. Ive always been known for making grandiose plans, but the things is...I always delivered. I was thought a long time ago that if you say something, you better be able to back it up. A man's word is all that he has and I have given my word that a home will be purchased by at least August 30, 2012. Believe it or not, that's the deadline. A physical deadline set for a dream that may be blame near unattainable for someone in my situation and shoes. Still, Ive set it as a goal and Im focused on making it happen.

My reason for bringing this up is this: Ive always wanted my life to be simple. I grew up in a semi-single parent home and I made a vow that my children would never do that. I grew up living in "the hood" and though it made me who I am today, I actually would have loved to not have a landlord and not hear sirens and gunshots on a regular basis. A friend of mine said it best, "Southside is an island." With this being true, its actually more akin to the island from the movie, "The Condemned". I didnt want to raise a family in a place where crack is smoked so freely and D-boy culture is so prevalent that Ive seen little 9 year olds ready and willing to jump into the game. Call me whatever you want, but the first thing as a man that I am supposed to be is the head and protector of my family. Regardless of my circumstances, I have always wanted more. More for my future family, more for my current family, and yes, more for myself.

The house represents that more. It represents that slice of Americana, I guess. Im not sure how many other 5 years old sat and had dreams of having a family, being a great father, having a great career, but I was one. I wanted to be the type of man that my father grew into these past few years, but I wanted to be that at a young age. I wanted to be someone that was the problem solver and the question answerer. Well, the first question that every woman has probably asked every man is: "Baby, what we gon' do?" I was asked that and my crazy behind responded...."We're going to get a house. Point blank. We have no choice. We have to do it and its going to happen within the next four years." Almost immediately, these words escaped my mouth which led me to believe that my soul, my very soul answered that question in faith. My flesh on the other hand said other things, but my heart and my soul answered. I believe in faith.

I dont claim to be the type of person who is deeply religious, but I am spiritual. I believe that there is a divine force in the universe that shapes, makes, molds and guides us through the journey of enlightenment that is life. That force to me is God and you have to take time to acknowledge God or else God will not acknowledge you. Your Spirit will guide you when you take time to listen to it, that Spirit is from God and therefore is God telling you what to do. Are you listening? Ive started hearing the most simple answers now that Ive stopped trying to force one into my mind. If you've never talked to yourself, do it today. Ask yourself a question and wait for your Spirit to give you an answer. It may not come in the form of words, it may just be a clear and precise thought that resonates like a neon light in your mind. I tell no lies, but my Spirit manifests itself. Having time to really sit down and with no choice to get to know myself, God, and my surroundings, I found out how powerful your Spirit man/woman can be. And its downright scary.

Ive gotten back into the practice of allowing my Spirit man to control my actions. Thinking before acting. Shutting off rationality and going off that "gut instinct". Following the nagging premonitions that say "Hey, just say this right here and be done with it." Hence, my life is now is a state of complete simplicity. Are you living to keep things simple or are you working to keep things difficult? Ask your Spirit, see what answer you get.

Uno,

Jou

Motivation.....

"That what makes me an individual. It's what makes me...me. I don't talk with a weak tongue, and I don't speak without being able to fight when necessary. I also don't place myself around people that can't handle it. So now you see why me and Joulz get along so well." -Entity Starr

Remember the song "Ryde or Die Chick" by The L.O.X.? Even though I was in my teens, it was just something to say that came as a catch phrase, but it was never something that was truly exemplified or embodied in anyone I met. That is...until NOW. I recall a few months back sitting in a theater looking at the movie "300" and thinking to myself, "You know, Leonidas has a queen that is willing to die for him. A queen who will speak her mind and dare someone to say anything back to her. A queen who is secure enough and intelligent enough to handle herself in ANY situation, be it good or bad." I said it before and I will say it again, art DOES imitate life. (Well, its supposed to, at least.)

When I was a child, I daydreamed of having a girl that would play with me, share her cookies with me, you know, sleep on my mat with me during naptime. As I became a pre-teen, I was more concerned with whether or not, she would "let me see hers, if I showed her mines" and if there was no crew and somebody tried to jump me, she would jump in the fight with me. (It may not have been for much of anything except distraction, but just long enough for me to right cross this cat and "dunk" the other one. LOL!) As as teen, I only hoped that she would indulge all of my pubescent fantasies long enough for me to experience whatever inexperienced tryst we could create. As an adult, these things seem so far away and completely innocent. As an adult, I search for the most perfection that we in our imperfection can have. A wife, a lover, a nurturer, a sister, a best friend, a confidant, a partner. Someone who does the adult version of all the things that I searched for when I was younger. Im inclined to believe that every man dreams of this.

"Come back with your shield... or on it." -Queen Gorgo

In all of my endeavors for the past two years of my life, the highs and the lows, whenever I go to face anything, exciting, new, ignorant, whatever, I have been sent away with a kiss and a statement that sounds pretty much like that one. A good, strong woman can MAKE you feel like you're about to go fight a war. Just you. No weapons, no army, just you. A good woman is supposed to make you get out of bed and face the day because you do it for her. She gives you purpose. She completes you. I hear a lot of new age thought processes when it comes down to women and what they mean to a lot of mean and sometimes, it saddens me. I talk about sex pretty frequently, but when did every woman become nothing more than a walking blow up doll? I say this because in a recent conversation with a female emcee, she stated: "Everytime, someone asks me to be on a song with them, why does it seem like they always want to talk about having a threesome? Or they want me to talk about fellatio (that was actually edited...she didnt say fellatio. She's a bit more graphic than that.) or how fine they are and these are some cats that I look at like Ewww!" It brought laughter, but at the same time, it made me think. Have I been guilty of the same type of objectification? Have I treated women like interchangeable masturbation utensils? I answered that question. "Yeah, yeah I have." It actually made me a bit sick to my stomach. I know for a fact that there are at least 3 women who have a "F*ck you, Julian, Im tired of your b*llsh*t!" mantra that they chant every morning. I apologize. I was young and stupid and I didnt understand you or need to be with you. I use what I learn with them as a blueprint of all the things NOT to do with my better half now. Hell, its worked so far and she still kisses me on the forehead as I bow my head down to her. If that's not symbolic, then I dont know what is. I serve God, above all else, but right after, she is.

"Mason Betha said it best, girls roll hard then men do." -Joulz Il "All Day Long"

I woke up this morning, took a long, hard look at myself and then asked outloud....."Where did that chubby cheeked little kid go?" Ive got facial hair, bills, a job, responsibility, and opinions. The most I ever had to worry about then was making sure that I walked to whatever school I was going to and got there on time. I miss being a child. I miss the harmless, care-free days when there was no Persian army, so to speak. When the arguments, that you got into were petty and resolved within five minutes, so everyone could go back to playing football, tackle football at that, in the middle of the street. Those days are gone and though I miss them, I understand them. All things must change. Some for the better, some for the worst, but all things must change. Im a man now. Not because I say it, not because Im a certain age, but because my actions and my mind frame proceed me as such and Im proud of it. For the first time in my life, Im truly happy and understanding of what it means to be a man. Why do I say that? What does that have to do with having a good woman? EVERYTHING!

I still want someone to lay on my mat when I nap. I still want someone who will share her animal cookies with me. I still want someone who will "let me see hers if I let her see mines". I still want someone who will indulge themselves in my fantasies. And above all, I still want someone who will jump into a fight with me, if nothing more than a distraction.........a ryde or die chick.

Uno,

Jou

Relevancy....

"You're born. You live. You die. You dont want to be just another waster of space."

-Willard Sneed

Start your day off with a moment of reflective thought. Think about yesterday for five minutes and weigh the PROS and the CONS of YOUR ACTIONS. What was important to you? What was important to someone else that you missed or just didnt see? Were you the best person that you could possibly be yesterday? If the answer is no.....then, DO BETTER! We all have bad days, horrible days, messed off days that no one can seem to pull you out of, but how you overcome is the key.

Yes, I know that I sound a bit self improvement "seminar-ish" (if such a word exists. LOL!), but its simply because I noticed that a lot of people around me, including myself, arent being everything that they could be. Today's focus for me is to be a better husband to be. I admit my understanding of women is a bit of an enigma. Having been raised by a strong, black woman, I find that women are beautiful and easy creatures to understand. Having a strong, black woman in my life, I find that I dont KNOW anything. LOL! She is the single most independent, co-dependent, incredibly strong, dainty, leader, follower, outspoken, quiet, individual that I have ever met. I sit in awe and sometimes complete confusion because I honestly dont know WHAT IN THE WORLD Ive gotten myself into!

"Our conception is a story so beautifully written in/So beautiful is the bond the we boastfully blended in....." -Joulz Il

She's so delicate and I guess she has always been that way and as each day passes, she becomes softer and softer towards me, towards my thoughts, towards my feelings, and towards my outlook on life. Im not perfect by a long shot, but when you're used to someone being so thick-skinned. Its a little surprising, to say the least, when they change. She has become this great nurturer and I, in turn, have no idea what to do with her. I laid awake dumbfounded last night and for the first time in my life....I realized that I, in all truth and unequivocal non-denial, that I WAS WRONG! I didnt sleep well at all because I realized that I was being a complete idiot and she was honestly right. Im not one to bring up religion, but I honestly believe that I was being spoken to and shown greater things last night and they all had something to do with her. (Well except for the part where gas was 1.11, but hey, I think that was just some wishful thinking on my end. That or gas REALLY is about to go back down to 1.11. Aw'wight!)

Im not too much of the stereotypical "man" that I dont know when to apologize and accept that I was being an idiot, but sometimes words are not enough. My strong point yesterday was about actions:

"I've been doing all the things that everyone has been telling me that I should do and now, NO ONE wants to notice it. You mean to tell me that not only do I have to DO this entire list of things, but now I also have to go and TELL people who should have the common decency to pay attention to all the things that are going on, EXACTLY whats going on. This is utter and complete crap. I have never been in a situation where a man was doing the right thing and STILL had to defend himself!"

This is what a disagreement looks like when you actually read the transcripts. I was allowed that luxury in my dream last night. I was actually given the transcripts to a heated discussion and was allowed to see just how mean spirited I could still be. It didnt paint a beautiful picture with lilacs, lilies and daffodils. It was more like the weather that we have been having here in Texas, it was pretty nasty. And it was going against statements like:

"You dont understand. I just want you to do it FOR me. Nothing else. Just do this FOR ME."

How can a person honestly fight with that? I was calm soon after I heard those words. Why? Because I simply cant fight with someone who just wants me to do the best I can towards them. Im so much of someone's life at this point that every single thing that I do is pretty much for them. Every step I take, every move I make, Im a part of them. (Sorry, Sting, but it fit the movement!) She wants the best from me at all times and honestly, my today is filled with trying to make sure that all of my tomorrows are spent showing her that I understand exactly what I am to her: Im RELEVANT.

Are you relevant to someone? Does your existence TRULY mean something to someone? Is there one person out there who truly and honestly loves every aspect of you? If not, let's work on our relevancy.

Uno,
Jou

Alive and Well.......

"A quiet man says nothing and moves effortlessly as to never be found or figured out."

Having stated that I say hello again. There hasnt been much to talk about or any really big dealings as of late. Ive received a lot of emails and inquiries about what Ive been doing musically and whats going to happen, so I decided to respond using this medium. Honestly.......I QUIT! It wasnt that hard to do. I just looked toward my better half and I looked inside myself and I just stopped. Scrapped plans for idle things that people would never care about and I stopped. Stepped away from the AKG and put it back in that comfortable little box that it came in. Ive been using my time to focus more on family, focus more on friends, focus more on life. It came to my attention that there were a ton of 30+ rappers who had never made it and it donned on me that I just didnt want to be one of them. It brings a laughter to my soul to see someone who should know better doing the following:

1) Standing on a stage in an airbrushed t-shirt swearing that this is their time

2) Rapping about things that only a 13 year old who hasnt lived any type of life would care about

3) Getting emotional because ANYONE tells them that they suck

4) Dodging questions about potential things they may have lied about

5) Copying the style of whatever is hot for the moment and hoping it pays off

6) Begging people to go to a store and purchase whatever cd they managed to piece together

7) Begging a promoter to put them on a two bit hip hop show that only 35-40 NON PAYING people will show up to


Its mind boggling! The pursuit of being famous came to a screeching halt when I realized that I was an intelligent and surprisingly uber-talented individual who could put more effort in working for a Forbes company than trying to get some type of contractor job in which I honestly DO NOT know how much I can bring in to support myself. I still love music with all of my heart. My love for REAL hip-hop will never die, but as far as trying to be some type of poster child for Dallas music, like some, Im just doing me. Living life, being alive, and staying well. In the grand scheme of things, Ive done music for what seems like forever and Im ONLY 25 years old! Thats over half of my life devoted to something that NEVER truly pulled its weight in my life. Good riddance! LOL! There are still beats that touch my very psyche and pull me to say things that people will probably NEVER hear. There are still songs that have been created that the world will NEVER listen to. Why?! Simply because........it just NOT THAT IMPORTANT! If I never get on, I dont honestly think that I would care. Im free.

Dutifully Openly Intelligently Noticeably Gainfully Mentally Emotionally

Free. Its a wonderful feeling. Ive stomped on people who literally have pestered me for so long and Ive met people who have been some of the greatest people that I will ever know. Its time for a new phase in life. A phase that isnt defined by the phrases "Oh, uh, I do music.", "Well, yeah, Ive got a label." or "This is our year." A phase that signifies that I am exactly what I am. Grown. Mature. An adult.

I realized something back in Feb.: Everyone has an opinion and an ego and if you throw a mountain (yes, a mountain) at someone's ego and blatantly state the obvious to them (i.e. "Yes, Im THAT good and yes, I KNOW THAT! Lets all go forth with the same mindframe!"), it takes them FOREVER to get over it. I have never seen more emotionally charged, "I need a hug", MEN as the ones that I have come across in the Dallas Hip Hop scene. People who are so offended by someone's presence that they feel the need to alienate anyone who doesnt immediately conform to their little heart shaped box of ideals that people should be. I dont apologize for much unless I am wrong and if getting on a stage and speaking to a crowd like you're not just at Jinx, but you're actually in front of thousands is wrong, then I apologize. I had a harsh realization that people will support anyone as long as its NOT the person that they see they should be supporting. That's too much like right. Let's get behind someone who may not have their production up to quality or let's get behind the person who seems to be humble enough to tolerate our BS or let's get behind the guy who we think is gullible or let's get behind the guy who wont even stand up for himself...........well what about the guy who actually has an opinion? No!

LOL! So far, within the last six months alone, Ive become jaded by music here in the city. Ive seen icons have a chance and fail. Fall to the wayside for whatever reason. Ive seen disunity and immediate blackballing. Hell, Ive experienced it and RELISHED it. Its brought forth attention from some unlikely places and even more unlikely allies. Ive heard praise dropped upon those who were undeserving and Ive seen someone get some attention that he TRULY deserved. Ive seen crybabies and girly-men alike almost break into tears when the very mention of anything that has been on my mind comes forth and though its been fun, its been very annoying. If I could see anything, I would love to see more unity in the Dallas music scene, but I doubt that will ever happen. I cant say that I wish the best for everybody.....honestly there are a handful of cats who: (imitating Rick James ala Dave Chappelle

"I hope everything bad happens to you, just you and only you. May only bad come your way. Say hello to Dahk-ness. And in closing, they shouldna never gave you n*gg*s and most of you crackas money. Good day and n*gg* f*ck yo' couch."

It is what it is. If you know me, get at me. If you dont know me and Ive sparked your interests somehow, get at me. Im back at it as blogs go, but Im so done as the sorry excuse for music stands. Im going back to 9-6. Its peaceful there and Biggie is still alive.

Uno,

Jou